It takes a lot of courage and bravery to open up and be yourself, however my experience has been harder than what I originally expected.
I’ve felt as if a chain has been tied around my neck and it has been dragging behind me for so long, stopping me from being the person who I truly want to be. A person I truly need to be!
It has been an uphill battle, but indulging in courage, allowed me to be more brave accepting who I am as a person.
I have my reasons for publishing this piece of writing, it’s on a personal lever however I need this platform to express my true self.
It may come as a shock to some, but not many. I don’t feel the need to inform a person of my identity and I don’t need to show off, but what I do need is not only to tell those important to me, but telling the world seems to be my release of self expression and exploring my own emotions and sexuality.
Yes, I’M GAY!!
I have been in a few relationships, one teenage, another casual and a third more serious, but how serious? Eleven years with a girl serious, someone I travelled loads with, had our own home, were engaged, miscarried a baby girl and later we married, but separated and awaiting divorce.
Since my early teenage years, I have been confused, not just about my sexuality, but about life too therefore exploring my innermost, I struggled and buried my feelings deep beneath the truth.
I have always found girls attractive and have experimented growing up, experimenting with both male and female, however nothing hardcore. I have never found another man other than my now partner to be sexually attractive however can appreciate a good looking bloke.
When I thought I found true love in my last relationship with a girl, I was honest since the beginning. I shared of my experimenting experiences and shared the truth that I have been curious, however confused. We spoke loads of this and I was accepted for who I was, however the more time went on, my confusion heightened and after a solo volunteering trip to Cambodia and being able to speak with a friend and his mum so openly about my sexuality and current lifestyle without judgement, I felt then for the first time I could be myself and it felt amazing.
I was able to come home and tell my family that I was bisexual and they accepted my decision with open arms and have supported me throughout. I asked the girl if she could tell her parents and she tells me she did, but no one mentioned it. I thought it was only a good thing.
I’m grateful to have had the experience I once explored, but that doesn’t take away the fact that I was married and curious, but I was never dishonest about my past and always spoke of it.
When separated, I made the decision to part as our relationship wasn’t entirely working and we experienced some personal problems, however we didn’t separate due to my sexuality. It was just the time.
My sexuality doesn’t difine me as a person and being gay doesn’t make me any less of a man. I’ll love whoever I want, it’s an emotion I can’t go against. I’ll continue to follow my heart and explore my own happiness as it’s the most heightened emotion I’m experiencing whilst being true and from now on my main priortity is self love and acceptance.
I am now very much happy with a man, something I thought would never happen. Everything now just feels right, my life feels complete and the man who walked into myself is the most handsome person I have met, a man with the most caring soul and the most funniest personality. I feel the luckiest. He’s a Scotsman, a true Beaty, a fantastic support and now my future. It’s just Andrew and I from now on. Here is to the future…
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
To anyone feeling trapped and feel the need to come out, know it’s not essential. You don’t have to do it, we aren’t in the 90’s where being gay is looked soon a disease, being homosexual is now just as big as being heterosexual. You shouldn’t feel the need to justify who you love and who you are attracted too, but this is your choice, don’t let another steal it from you. Love it and accepted.
Be beautiful and don’t dig holes for yourself, be you and be proud. Those who mean the most to you will love you for who you are and not what you and those not, will only prove how much your love it to that person. Don’t dwell on others hate, prove them wrong, but more importantly don’t stop being you, be brave, be happy and be the best version of yourself.
– James Keenan