FINDING MY VOICE

Here’s a little story about a boy so young, fragile and frail,

I hate himself with a constant reminder living through shame.

My emotions fill a page full of tears as I write,

Chills running down my spine, a confused memory and fuzzy sight.

You took your insecurities and made them my own,

it’s your face that still haunts me, especially when i’m alone.

It was those times that scared me the most when you’d make me stay

Punishing myself I stood in fear, allowing me to act as your prey.

You told me you wouldn’t hurt me as my eyes began to fill.

It was then my world collapsed around me and life stood still.

Your voice whispered and your movements echo the empty room,

Feeling your breath against my skin was the beginning of this first groom.

I was reluctant to take part and force soon applied,

You threats circling my mind as my hands are tied.

You used me, you abused me, you stripped away my pride.

You took no acknowledgement of the hurt I tried to hide.

Wondering when it will stop, I sat vacant and fragile,

I began to ask myself is this happening or am I going senile.

I often thought of running away or stepping onto the busy road,

My future seemed so black and dim at only eleven years old.

This isn’t what life should be, where did it all go wrong? 

Something brave inside remains, but i’m unsure for how long.

After the abuse occurred, the warnings of his actions where not to be heard.

Everything was made out to be fun and games, despite the consequences,

You plagued me with gifts and I was never short of cash expenses.

Now I attempt to find me some peace,

I took my pain, I took my scars to the police.

No matter how safe I am or what anyone has said,

You may be away from the world, but you’re always in my head.

I close my eyes and an image the struggles I had to bare.

I hate that you still rule me, even though you’re not there.

I’ve found my voice and I don’t know how,

But you’ve played with my head for too long now.

I’m bigger, better and braver too,

you’re gave me problems and they’re all down to you.

I’m now an adult and you’re the guilty one.

I hope you get whatever comes, because I the survivor I have won!

– James Keenan

19 thoughts on “FINDING MY VOICE

  1. Haunting beauty…thanks so much. Reminds me to keep a forgiving heart not only of others but myself as well. Thanks so much. I have “memories” of sexual abuse, yet at such a young age…it haunts me to know they may possibly be real. God revealed one repressed memory to me; it was bad enough…one around age 3…It will happen all in His timing I suppose…of course, I have to be careful with that one…they would say I am delusional again if I spoke of it. Much love and light to you, madcow

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Such a powerful poem, illustrating what a beautiful voice you have. Your words echo’d mine at times, opening up has been both cathartic and positive to me, I hope it helps you too. Huge well done for writing so honestly, I know others will gain strength from it too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’ve no idea what this means to me. Thank you so much for your positive words and your beautiful feed back. I hope to reach out to others by my blogs in hope to spread awareness in such a raw subject. Please be sure to reblog, share and keep tuned for more of my writing .

      Like

  3. Reblogged this on Theory Of Love: I struggle too and commented:
    People’s struggles are real. Talking about them helps us all push through the pain that is sometimes — sometimes — humanity. We all need to step out of our pride; our problems don’t have to isolate us, but can bring us together. If we can recognize this, then we are on a path toward true cohabitation. #TheoryOfLove #IamReal on social media.

    Liked by 1 person

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