ACCEPTING TIME

Time is the one thing we all have in common and what is important is how we can use that time. How important is it to you?

We are all different heights and weights, we all have different talents, we’re all from different cultures and ethnic backgrounds, but we all have time.

The only thing that we are given that’s common to everyone else is time. Who you are and what you become depends on how you use your time. We all have twenty-four hours in a day, black or white, young or old, rich or poor, we’re all given the same amount of time every day.

Time cannot be stopped, you cannot stop a day, you cannot stop an hour, but you can control how it will be used, which means that even know time is unstoppable, it’s controlled and what you do with it, determines who you become.

One of the things we all know about life is that it is always changing, sometimes you are up and sometimes you are down, sometimes you are happy and sometimes you are sad. That is life! When we begin to understand and know that accepting reality that we will have our ups and downs, but during those down moments, that is where the growth takes place, that’s where the work is.

Anyone can feel good when they’re happy and their children are well behaved. Anyone can be excited and love their life because their bank balance is growing. Anyone can be positive and have faith under these circumstances, but the real challenge of growth, mentally, emotionally and spiritually comes when you get knock down. How you handle it, is where the growth takes place.

I think of time a lot, because time is life, 365 days of measuring time will allow yourself acceptance to begin its journey. Find your purpose, bury your past and look to the future. Time is a blessing or a curse depending how you manage it. Time is life, what you become depends how you use it. Time is free, but it is priceless. You can’t own it, but you can use it. You can’t keep it, but you can spend it and once you’ve lost it, you can never get it back. Time is given to us as an eternity. Time is given to measure the purpose of life. Time is powerful.

I took time for granted, I abused its worth and used it stupidly. On realising the importance of time, it made my life outlook differently and it saddens me that I am only realising this now. It took my past to attempt to take my life and the little confidence I had was stolen from me. It’s undoubtly sad that it took something as cruel and life changing to realise the importance of self-neglect and my worth.

I had to take time away from work to be able to find my identity and reflect on my actions and health. It took my actions to be honest to myself and to those important around me. On reflection, I thought what am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why am I ruining something that could be so positive? It took a while and I found that my answer was fear. I couldn’t be honest about my mental ill health and to overcome my past frightened me so much so that my future felt threatened. I felt my future was non-existent.

Do I continue to destroy my life, or do I fight against it? I fought. I fought long and hard and swore I would never find myself in that dark place again. I wanted to return to work, however I felt vulnerable. I was deemed vulnerable by the medical professions in the services I was involved in. I worked hard to get well and to overcome the things that once made me shy away.

I was hospitalised due to my mental health and with a fantastic support network around me, I wanted to spend my time differently. I felt and seen the value in time and that’s when I realised the importance of life.

Just before my hospital admission I began a course with Open University and despite my recovery, I studied, researched and completed my course to a high standard and my result reflected how hard I worked to achieve considering my surroundings. It was during my spare time, I enhanced my writing skills and whilst struggling with dyslexia I put my pen to paper and started writing poetry and entered competitions. I unfortunately didn’t win the competition, but when I received feedback, I continued to remain proud to hear I wasn’t shortlisted but was greatly advised how to change my writing skills differently by a Northern Ireland author.

I kept writing and my poetry was found, highlighted and shared by the South Eastern Trust within the NHS. “The Untold Heroes” was written to celebrate the staff of the NHS in its 70th anniversary year. It was printed and framed and given to Ards and North Down Borough council as a gift to commemorate the conferring of the Freedom of the Borough on all healthcare staff. It now hangs at Bangor Castle in the Mayors parlour and another is due to hang in the Ulster Hospital. The success of my poetry pushed me to write more and now I have written poetry for NexusNI a Northern Ireland based charity for survivors of sexual violence.

My learning didn’t end, I continued to seek new skills and qualifications and whilst in recovery I was excited to use Recovery College to help me understand my own mental health and diagnosis. I went on to study a little more through the college and gained a lot of certificates. I am now trained to facilitate courses within the Recovery College and I’ve just co-produced my first programme that I will co-facilitate. I furthered my learning and now hold a few OCN qualifications and trained as a Suicide First Aider, I am excited to be a Suicide-Safer Community Designator to help save lives and offer my support to communities. I am now currently studying a stress management and confidence building programme and to gain more computer skill knowledge which will help my blogging, I am studying an ECDL IT programme.

I’ve learnt how to manage my time to seek more skills and qualifications, I have accepted my diagnosis and now I know there is no stopping me. I now volunteer for two charities and within the Recovery College. I now self-advocate and I have completed my own personal WRAP, a Wellness Recovery Action Plan. Wrap is a self-designed prevention and wellness process that anyone can use to get well and make their life the way they want it to be. I have completed my WRAP facilitating training and now trained to deliver the programme to schools, communities and other groups including workforce. I’m studying sign language and counselling skills and hope to work closely within the South Eastern Trust, Unison and the Open University and study more relevant qualifications and in hope one day I will qualify in nursing or paramedic science.

I’m now optimistic and more excited than ever before about my future. If I could give advice to others and not just those persons with a mental health diagnosis, I’d say:

“Turn your dreams into a reality, we all hold the power to create a future that we want. Vision what you want and believe in your worth, you will face obstacles and have days you don’t think you will see past but believe me you can get through anything by simply believing in yourself. We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then is not an act but is a habit. We all grow to believe that normal is the best way to be and that perfection is something we all can become, but in reality, it’s just a myth of false hope. What is normality? Does it even exist? What is perfection, is it real? Know you create your own happiness and accepting the truth about time and the importance of life, simply believe in your own worth and put your strengths together to create a universe so powerful, it will guide you to your own destiny. No one is normal, nor are we perfect, but we are all human and we’re all good enough.”

– James Keenan

THE UNTOLD HEROES

A poem to celebrate the 70th year of our National Health Service in 2018. The poem is dedicated to all the NHS staff whom work extremely hard to deliver a high standard of care.

The National Health Service, our country’s greatest treasure,

Health care at its best, as services come together.

The most wonderful thing about the NHS is its people,

Those overworked during times most vital.

A service so magnificent and its people so devoted,

Staff performing to their best, with health checks all promoted.

Bands of all grades and the volunteers,

Giving their their all. Tackling heartache and fighting back the tears.

A great proudness with sincere gratitude,

During their busiest, they deliver with a caring attitude.

In Nursing there is no such thing as just a band three, four or five,

It’s not just a job, but an honour to strive.

Long waits and delays are known to happen,

Raised voices and patients’ patiences snapping,

It’s not because staff want you to wait,

It’s the emergencies, prioritised at a very high rate.

Nurses and support workers on their feet all day,

Working thirteen hours with few breaks and that’s on a good day.

There’s so more in all professions within the NHS,

It’s just not needles and medication. It’s not an act to impress.

The efforts to deliver great care clearly show, just how passionate,

Through dedication and beyond, how one can be so compassionate.

They have abilities to listen and comfort at your worst,

They use the best of their ability to ensure you’re properly nursed.

Skills beautiful demonstrated that are truly inspirational,

All are welcomed and equally treated, a service so sensational.

All grades of profession, the untold heroes of our National Health Services,

A service that offers the very best. A tribute to their purpose.

Seventy years of devoted care to those patients old and new,

As a nation we come together, to say a massive Thank-You!

A poem by James Keenan Emergency Department Practitioner

In commemoration of the 70th Anniversary of the National Health Service

THE SECRET

The Secret is a book and television documentary, written by the fantastic and beautiful Rhonda Byrne, based on the law of attraction.

The law of attraction is a tool that can be used to help change your life. It can also invite positivity into your life and by simply believing in yourself, you can change your mindset by the way you think and react. This in result broadens your core values, ethics and beliefs, whilst accepting the law of attraction this will guide you through the universe to create a destiny for yourself.

In order to become a master at manifesting the law of attraction, we have to undo the patterns that have been stored in our unconscious mind and replace them with positive, empowering patterns. In other words, we need to rewire our brain.

You can begin by implementing daily positive practices in our lives, we will shift and raise our energetic vibration so that we can manifest from a place of calm, inspired action yielding a faster result. If you get into the habit of using tools that will insert empowering and positive thoughts into your mind, you’ll be poised to produce good experiences and results!

You can start by paying attention to what you you need to focus on. Do you pay attention to what’s going right or what’s going wrong? When you’re working on manifesting your dreams, challenges will arise, but when you focus on what’s right, you become an incredible problem-solver, which builds confidence and quickly raises your energetic vibration. You will be able to move through obstacles quicker without worry of challenges.

You can practice by using breathing exercises and techniques using your belly and not the chest. This type of breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system (rest-and-digest), which helps produce a sense of relaxation and contentment and allows us to be calm and clear when taking inspired action.

Meditation is a huge advantage to use if you follow the law of attraction. Meditation can be used in a spiritual format or simply during relaxation and yoga. You can practice anywhere at anytime. Meditation helps us withdraw attention from stressful, negative patterns we’ve created over time. Practicing can be a huge benefit and has been known to change millions of peoples lives. It can improve your sleep and guide you through wellness and recovery.

Move your body whatever way you want, do what is most comfortable, there is no right or wrong way to sit when meditating, manifesting your vision or practicing the law of attraction. Negative emotions are stored in our bodies on a cellular level. Moving is one way to release stress and negative energy. It doesn’t have to be intense; you can dance, practice yoga or go for a walk. It’s as simple.

Get yourself a journal, write how you want, but practice gratitude. Gratitude is one of the simplest ways to raise our vibration. When we recognize our great fortune and appreciate all our blessings, it automatically puts us in a “feel-good” energetic vibration. Writing your goals will not only help you get clear, but will help you create inspiring actions towards your dreams.

My favourite part of manifesting my thought process is reading my goals that i’ve noted in my journal first thing in the morning and before going to bed at night. I allow myself a little headspace to visualize and connect with the feeling of achieving my dreams. Feel like you already have what you want. It’s as easy.

You can practise whatever way you want, however I would strongly recommend finding headspace, meditate beforehand and believe in yourself. This is my practice.

You can only be the best version of yourself, you are the only person who has the power to create your own destiny. Be brave, smile and know your worth!

– James Keenan

Whatever feelings you have within you, are attracting your tomorrow.

Worry attracts more worry.

Anxiety attracts more anxiety.

Unhappiness attracts more unhappiness.

Dissatisfaction attracts more dissatisfaction.

And

Joy attracts more joy.

Happiness attracts more happiness.

Peace attracts more peace.

Kindness attracts more kindness.

Love attracts more love.

Your job is an inside one.

To change your world, all you have to do is change the way you feel inside.

How easy is that?

Practice, Practice, Practice.

– Rhonda ByrneAuthor, The Secret

BOY WHO’S GOOD ENOUGH

A poem written by myself, which tells the story of how setbacks stole my dreams of succeeding to be a writer.

I’m just a boy, who dreams to write,

Writing stories under my bedside table light.

This is my dream; I want it as my future,

There is nothing holding me back, yet I feel the loser.

I’ve been stuck in these manic daydreams,

But this has been me since before my early teens.

People bullied me and tried to tear me down,

Making me out to be the classroom clown.

I feel as if i’m a brainless boy who’s life is so pathetic,

I haven’t got a clue, but still I try, but i’ve learnt i’m not fantastic.

My life is always the post of something else,

But I suppose that depends on how I present myself.

I’d pass colleges with my head down in shame,

with all the things I wanted to learn, i’ve only suffered in vein.

I want to work hard; I want to write about me.

I want to write books that are meant to be.

I need to allow my mind broaden to enlightenment and interpretation,

I’ll not be William Shakespeare; I just want to be someone’s recommendation.

I just want to be me without the frustration.

Confused I’d ask for help, to be told to look up the dictionary,

I didn’t know how to, with words I couldn’t spell, it all became too scary.

While my diagnosis went unnoticed,

My dreams of becoming a writer soon became less focused.

I want to dream big so I ask to take me to that place i’ve never been,

I promise to be less scared and wanting to be heard and seen.

I will learn to love the skies I’m under,

I’ll not be that person that people walk over.

The struggles I faced, the chances i’m now taking,

I may feel knocked down, but this time I’ll not be breaking.

I’ll accept my limits, aim big and maybe I’ll be slow,

I can change, but until I try, I’ll never really know.

I’ll keep trying to come out from the darkness and into the light,

I’ll never give up, I can see my future now in sight.

I’ll not give up; I’m out to be heard,

I will do this and may not win, but I’ll happily come second or third.

I struggle with grammar and I can hardly read, does this mean i’ve a disability?

Big or small, clear or not, the beauty of writing shows such gracility.

I want to succeed but not to be famously known,

I want to write my goals and ambitions proving how much i’ve grown.

I needed to learn the charisma and education,

I didn’t need the worries of my frustration.

It’s small, yet powerful; i’m not psychotic,

I’m just a boy who is dyslexic.

I’m not normal but who is?

I’m certainly not perfect; does it even exist?

I was once given a quote that keeps me strong through the rough

“I may not be normal or perfect, however i’m just a boy who is good enough”

– James Keenan

I’M YOURS DADDY

A poem expressing my emotions through sincere love for my baby I miscarried.

I’ve tiny feet and baby fingers,

I’m an angel with wings to stop me fall,

I’ve a smile so powerful and i’m not big in height,

I’m a baby, so cute and small.

Excitement so clear soon vanished,

My heartbeat suddenly stopped,

When you’re down, please don’t be upset,

’cause i’m up here, looking down from the top.

Although we didn’t meet in person,

It was my time to part,

I still heard your voice and felt your tears,

I’m only up above, we’re never far apart.

You’re always centre of my mind and always kept in my heart,

But don’t you be worried dad,

I’ll always be yours,

So please stop being down and feeling so sad.

When it’s time to meet you Daddy,

I’ll hug you, kiss you and hold you too,

It’ll not be long going in I promise,

So please wait father and let me love you.

Here I’ll guide you through your days,

But home for me is among the bright stars,

Looking down and lighting up your life direction,

Taking away your hurt and scars.

Until we are together and officially meet,

Let’s not fret and smile for now,

I’ll never stop guiding you, I’ll always love you,

When i’m on your mind, send me a kiss & look to the sky.

-James Keenan

BLUE CURTAINS

“BLUE CURTAINS” is a poem I wrote whilst in a secure unit during my mental health recovery.

Behind these blue curtains here I lay,

There’s no interaction and nothing to say.

I’ve help from Doctors and the Psychiatrist too,

The more I endure the thoughts the more I want to do.

It’s a mental health facility i’m here for help,

despite their efforts I still want to reuse my belt.

I still hurt and worry and mostly I sit scared,

I just want to feel normal, I just want to be heard.

I ask myself why, I even question life and me,

I doubt myself, I want to be set myself free.

My mind isn’t focused i’m struggling to concentrate,

I’m just an unworthy burden adding more weight.

I’m crying sore each morning, evening and night,

My hopes are zero to overcome, I don’t see a future insight.

I’ve a bruised faced, blurry eyes, i’m drugged and sedated,

I’m fighting my own struggles and feeling hated.

To say that I feel great, well that would be a lie,

When really, I’m hurting sore and all I want is to die.

I’ve got my Partner, Mum and Sisters for support,

Despite what I have, I harm to distort.

It’s difficult to imagine and even harder to speak,

With my best efforts buried, my eyes can only leak.

The more I feel trapped, my pain will worsen,

I just want to be better and feel like a normal person.

So I ask myself why, why me, why was I chosen?

The answer I get fills me with overwhelming emotion.

I’m locked here, sat in front of this blue curtain.

Can I guarantee my future, I’m not very certain.

I’m hospitalised and unfortunately sectioned,

Im trying my best to find my right direction.

I’m hard sore and done with crying,

my heart aches as i’m slowly dying.

So this is me, this is me currently,

In hope for a future set with clarity.

Despite my hope and one thing for certain,

At this minute it’s just me and this blue curtain.

– James Keenan

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

My life from start to present; Beauty & the Beast!!

Beauty being life, the beast being the darkness.

Tied up, hands across my neck and a pillow pushes against my face, my ability to fight back doesn’t seem possible. My sight fades before me, my lungs are closing and my heart aching with fear, i’m anchored as a weight and dropped into the wild ocean, my lungs tighten and fill up with water and my body struggles to breathe. I’m drowning quickly and my future becomes more and more distant. Every second passed, my life comes to a close, i’m now counting my breaths wondering what will be my last… This is my story!

The trauma has never disappeared and my doubts have only ever heightened with now the smallest of things becoming the biggest struggles to deal with. It’s immediately became harder than what I ever expected survival to be and now i’m tired. I’ve lost the fight, strength and courage to overcome a past so dark, demons would run from it.

I don’t feel ordinary, I have never felt normal. I’m embarrassed, I lost my dignity and a childhood that should have been filled with joy and cherished memories, but that was stolen from me and replaced with horror that I only but wish was an actual nightmare.

I find myself in the same place day, it’s a destroyer. I feel as if i’m chained to my past, the darkness is darker than ever before and it has become unbearable. I feel as if i’m an explosive ready to self detonate.

Everyday I wake up to reminders, smells, words, the media and television and it leaves me frightened for the next 24 hours. I may not show it but I’m living it.

My life was cruelly stolen from me. I struggled to pretend. I struggled to move on and forget, but it all seemed impossible.

Ive kept this horrendous feeling, these thoughts and the reasons I want to end my life. I have tried to talk and I seem to remain to hide it still, but in reality I am not coping, it plays in my head, it’s always in the back ground. I can’t concentrate, I can’t sorely think of my future as I feel trapped. I still feel i’m drowning only this time not in water, but in despair.

I’m afraid of losing the people I love the most, my mum, my sisters, nephews and partner, they are my only light, however a question I ask myself repeatedly, without telling them. Does my family know that I’m failing to be the best version of myself? Do they know how dark my mind gets? but the most repeated question I bury deep within my mind. Do they deserve to live on the edge and wonder what day will be the day?

I’ve felt invisible my whole entire life and the only time i’m noticed is when i’m needed to help with something. The feeling of being used, just isn’t enough. I don’t want to be used or relied on, I want to be seen for the person I truly am, but if I can’t identify that, I can’t expect others to see it either. I guess that’s the skill of a good actor, i’ve a skill I never thought I had. I just want to be held, loved and reassured.

It’s question after question now, each day being the same. Is the world out to get me? Am I being punished for other people’s actions? What did I ever do to deserve this punishment? My biggest fear now lies beneath my fragile skin fearing that eventually people will see me as the way I see myself.

My anxiety is a curse, unfortunately aiding a lack of control in my work, social and personal life and a past of trauma controlling my future? My mental health dictating the now and the fear allowing death to be more inviting than life itself. I don’t want people recognising the same beliefs I hold being a failure.

I could be a millionaire, a film star and have the world at my feet. I could have the biggest family and social circle of friends, married, children, my own home and the best cars, yet I would still feel lonely. I’m easy to satisfy, I don’t believe in wealth and having the best, but I still feel saddened and frightened, I still feel lost and I’m hurting. I wish I had that one person who can understand me, that would be my wealth.

You know torment when you realise the saddest kind of sad is when your tears can’t even drop and you feel nothing. You have no emotion. No feeling. No sense, it’s like the world has just ended. You cry but nothing leaks, you don’t hear, you don’t see, you just freeze and then for a second, the heart stops and you see death as clear as if you already lived it before.

Living with trauma and battling mental ill health is like a war, you either win or die trying, you lose or surrender. I argue that without darkness there would be no stars, but what happens when it’s dark and no stars are in sight? Your faced with the debate, is there light or not?

It can be difficult for someone who has never experienced mental ill health or to know how you feel deep inside. I wouldn’t expect any person too, but someone who wants to understand and know how you’re feeling is precious. They don’t come often and sometime not enough or none at all.

My struggles are real, the stigma alone is hurtful and the events causing the trauma and the diagnosis of mental health is a challenge on its own. I wish it was all nonsense and made up, I wish it didn’t exist.

Depressive disorder, agoraphobia, PTSD and emotionally unstable personality disorder, survivor of sexual abuse, neglect, bullying and mental and emotional abuse and a survivor of suicide. The list goes on but the desire to want to be normal is overwhelming. The search for perfection becomes more difficult than accepting my inner emotions, yet the desire for normality pulsates around my damaged mind even though I know they don’t exist?

I was at primary school when I noticed something was up, I somehow felt different to others, it was noticed in the classroom, in the playground and in the area I lived. I know I was no adorable child or smart. I was that child teachers felt sorry for and invited me into detention for a little company during break times. I was the teachers pet, the boy who had the special jobs. I had learning difficulties and required special needs right up until my last years of secondary school. I struggled to read, write and take in information, follow instructions and understand numbers, yet give me a clock I could estimate time and distance, read a map and remember directions. I was organised and very creative, yet I still felt like a spare tyre that was too small to fit.

I would sit in class, thinking of what I will face on lunch break from the bullies in the playground, will the Belfast troubles keep me awake tonight and how will my dad be today, good form or bad. I felt somedays I would just cry in class for no apparent reason and then pretending to be sick in hope to get home just to have a cuddle, but who was I kidding? I never had a cuddle or felt any sort of emotion like that from either of my parents.

As I grew older I learnt what mental I’ll health was and things began to make sense. It was the events that caused me horrific trauma and physiological issues that triggered my rawness, the hurt, the physical pain and the mental abuse.

My father’s behaviour was abnormal, he was a completely different person when at home than the person he was when in company of others. His friends thought there was no one like him and his family thought he was an angel. He was out of control, his behaviour as a partner and parent was just too cruel. He took all his frustrations out on his children and my mum and sometimes I thought he hit out for no reason just to see those who loved him most, hurt.

Itwas clear since my early childhood that my dad didn’t like me, he told me often enough in anger and in generalised conversations. All that I ever wanted was to grow up and have a brother and a dad who I could turn too for a chat or on a Friday after work to meet up for a game of pool over a pint, but this was never going to be reality.

Dad had a drinking problem, he drank most days if not every day, but the older I got I began to identify his drug habits too, which then began to make sense of his behavioural pattern.

He was an abusive father who took his anger and frustrations out in way possible, yet my siblings and I still loved him. He was abuse to his partners too, verbally, mentally and whether they knew it or not he was a cheat right up to his death.

My parents separated and we moved to woman’s aid for safety. We moved from hostel to hostel and were deemed homeless. The embarrassment alone was raw.

Years passed and my mother moved to the countryside and my father remained in Belfast and due to secondary education my sister and stayed in Belfast in Dads care. It was obvious Dad and I never got on. He would leave early morning, head to work and when he came home, his dinner had to be ready and waiting on him prepared by my younger sibling, otherwise he would kick off. No thank you, no nothing but a few slabs and verbal abuse.

I was often the son who was called queer, faggot, hated against for visiting my grandmother, his mother every night threatening not to tell any of his business. I loved my Dads parents, my grandparents, I doted on them. His brother and sisters I loved dearly, but wasn’t allowed to share anything with them. It was sad.

Most nights after dinner he would shower, shave and head to his local pub where all his friends thought he was God’s gift, but really and truly he was an arsehole. He’d return home late, some nights I would be in and other nights I would still be at my grandparents house. The nights in, he would bring in a kebab and be all over me as if I was his blue eyed boy, the. He would question where my sibling is. I’d explain she’s in bed sleeping g, it’s 2am and has school leave her be. He would scream to her to get up. He’d smell her for aftershave, ask to look through her phone and then beaten for no reason. Nights I was in my Grandparents, he wouldn’t let me in on my return and leave me standing outside for hours.

Dads behaviour became very suspicious and he began accusing my sibling of her stealing his clothes when I was the guy of the household and never was I accused once.

The screams of my mum twenty plus years ago I can still hear clear; begging dad to stop beating her. I can still still hear the wallops from upstairs and the fear and hurt on mums face and later the same I can still hear and see the same fear and hurt on my sisters face. Horrific!!

I can justify my dads behaviour towards me when he used the buckle end of his belt to wallop me hard causing bruising and sometimes drawing blood, but to hurt my mum and sister, I could never justify and never will.

I stood up to my dad many of time and sometimes you could see the fear in him and although all I did was stand up to him, it was a great joy to see him scared, but usually I would would be spoke down too telling me I was nothing, I wasn’t his son, calling me a queer, a blue eye and ending with the word spastic!!

I always wondered why mum stuck it for so long, but it was soon apparent she was scared, but what was her turning point?

Our family home was targeted in an arson attack with petrol bombs as my siblings and I lay asleep in our beds. My grandfather and mum who were the room that was targeted seem the attack from afar and they helped my siblings and I out of the house and placed in a safe house in the same street. That night we ended up homeless and had to live from hostel to hostel, but on the night of the arson attack we had to stay at a neighbours house and mum rang our dad to tell him to come home and explained what happened. He did come home with a friend, said nothing he could do and then pissed off back out to the pub. That was mums turning point. He didn’t care, so why should she, so after hosteling for some months, we ended up in a safe house through women aid.

School was a struggle too, though I had to embrace the fear and face the issues alone when I was bullied for the way I appeared. The anxiety alone at home was horrible, let alone the same feelings when walking to school and even in school itself .

The bullying I experienced wasn’t physical, but verbal and emotional which soon affected my learning and education. I lost my confidence all together as Childhood was no walk in the park, it was a real struggle and watching life fall apart soon became the reality of my life. I rarely seen a future for myself.

my family began to drift, Mum moved to the countryside, my dad remained in Belfast with one of my siblings and I moved to Ardglass with my mum. I met up with sister every weekend, we where best friends. I noticed my father’s behaviour continued and several times I asked my sibling a question, which she always denied.

It turned out my father was a paedophile after sexually my sibling after a number of years, which broke her mentally and emotionally.

I alerted police and social services who began to investigate simply because one, my baby sister was betrayed by her father and two I didn’t want anything to occur between his son, niece and stepdaughter, if not already.

My mothers health deteriated physically and soon began to self inflict by becoming an alcoholic. Throughout the pregnancy there was complications, due to age and alcohol, but afterwards postnatal depression was diagnosis which was difficult.

I had to remain strong despite battling my own demons, I had to fake smile and pretend to my siblings was okay. I trusted my I stinks that I will be good acting the responsible adult being the eldest to filled the shoes of being Mummy and Daddy. I’ll never be able to top their shoes, but only ever hoped I would grow to inspire my sisters, I only did best for them and only want the greatest of opportunities to arise for them.

Social Services became involved at this point and mums real love was for her drink and that was all. My siblings and I were put on the Child Protection Register and my youngest sibling was put into care. The heartbreak of that alone was heartwrenching, but we won her back through many case management meetings.

I was still tramatised by the past events and still today I find it difficult to cope with the actions of history. I eneded up meeting a girl and we got married and things felt great, but soon that began to fall apart too. I was trapped for years and couldn’t explore my childhood due to the control and responsibilties I had to take on, but it turned out that the marriage was heading down the same path.

I’m not comparing my marriage to my past, by all means. I can’t, but a sense of control was occurring and I became the victim. It was rammed into my head that my mental Health was in my head and I needed to get over the past which is one of the most hurtful and hardest things to be told.

We miscarried a baby girl and never spoke of our loss together and soon we went separate ways.

It was 2016 I could my first breakdown, I didn’t know how, why or when. I had very little memory of the event. I was then referred to the services, seen by GP and was deemed unfit for work purposes. i found myself growing into self neglect, I felt weird and creepy, I didn’t understand who I was or why. I felt worthless and all I wanted to do was take my life. I took a few months of work and then had to push myself before I was pulled for my attendance. I was still ill when I joined back to work but I was frightened to open up in case I was deemed on fit for work.

My life changed forever after being contacted over social media. I was told I had a nice smile and didn’t I fancy a coffee. I took the opportunity to meet friends and I met a beautiful Scotsman who has listened, cared and supported me since the very beginning.

I ended up taking another breakdown having needed up in two secure wards, one voluntary and the other sectioned under the mental health act. I took two years of work and felt my life was falling apart after attempting to self harm, suicide and neglect. I hated myself and became paranoid convincing myself I was being watched and I started hearing voices.

Intense treatment, medication and education has helped me loads. Education saved my life, medication helped my nerves and feelings and my therapies changed my way of thinking.

Life isn’t easy and every day isn’t the same although, the bad and negativities energies are no longer present in my life. I still have depression and suffer from anxiety and I do have relapsed episodes, but that is my life now. I’ll always be in recovery. Self-management is key!

Opportunities are endless and only we as people know where our own happiness lies: your universe is destined, only you can create your own pathway to happiness and it can be more difficult than others, but keep trying and don’t ever give up fighting.

Be yourself, have fun, enjoy life, laugh and smile throughout it, love you, make memories and more importantly live your life to the full the way you want it. You’re you, like I am me, be unique, be big, be powerful and show the world how beautiful you are. No one is perfect, but we’re all good enough.

– James Keenan